I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a married man. He is still married, but he keeps telling that he is working on getting divorced. There is a money issue involved. We are now living together, which should have solved some of his money issues. He is a very nice guy, but we are in our 40’s and I don’t know if I want to go into another year with a married man. I am thinking about ending this relationship. I also moved from my home town with him which is another issue.
Thank you for writing me. Your situation is not uncommon. While many want to blame the other woman for the cheating, I think it’s the man who is to blame. He is the one who broke his marriage vows. Married men are very effective at either pretending they aren’t married, or at convincing a woman that he’s separated or separating from his wife.
Married men who cheat play the wife and the mistress against each other, and get to enjoy the best of both being married, and being single. They are narcissistic and don’t feel like they should have to make a choice. They want both, and sometimes more women on the side as well. They don’t have the strength of character to be a good man to any woman. As much as he’s telling you that he’s working on getting a divorce, he’s likely telling his wife that he plans to come back to her but just needs more time. He probably makes up excuses why he can’t leave you yet.
What motive does he have for leaving his wife for you when you’ve given him everything he wants already? While perhaps you felt his moving in with you meant your relationship was getting more serious and official, in reality, you are just giving him a place to live away from his wife and responsibilities, and helping him out financially. You left your hometown with your friends and family for him. He is likely your everything in your new city.
Basically, you weren’t dealt a fair hand, and didn’t play your cards right, and you will never win at this game. I think you know that the right thing to do is to leave this man. This is not love. This is lust. A man who truly loves you wouldn’t use you like this. You and other women like you deserve better. Leave him, and get yourself respect back. This is not a healthy situation for you to be in. As you say you are stuck. You are caught in limbo, and haven’t been making any progress in your life for 5 years. Take back control of your life and move on, Honey! It will be hard at first as you mourn the loss of who you initially thought he was, but in time you’ll realize that you haven’t lost anything and have gained your self-esteem and happiness!
– Miss A