April 29th, 2010 
Dear Miss A,
I’m writing to ask for advice regarding my boyfriend. We’ve been together for several years now and are very happy. We have many mutual friends, we have great dates and we attend many wonderful events. However, no matter what I do, he always seems to be running late. If an event is scheduled to start at 7:00pm, without fail he will arrive at 7:45pm. If he has work at 8:00am, he will inevitably arrive by 8:30am… you get my drift. This tends to apply to events of all sorts — happy hours, charity dinners and the occasional Friday night date.
For the most part he is a responsible guy, it just happens that timeliness is one of my pet peeves, so it probably gets under my skin more than anyone else’s. His friends have learned to deal with this ‘fault’ by giving him false and early times to arrive, and voila, he is there on-time. I view lateness as disrespect to others around me, but if I explain this to him, his reaction is simply, “Eh, I’ll get there when I get there.” Or, if he is the focus of the event he says, “What are they going to do, start without me?” It is even more frustrating when we are attending an event together and consequently arrive late together. Miss A, please help me learn how to make my guy on-time, and show him he is not just affecting himself with his tardiness.
Sincerely,
Despondently Delayed
Dear Despondently Delayed,
If being “tardy for the party” is the biggest problem you have with your boyfriend, I think he’s a keeper. Everyone you date is going to have faults, so you just need to find someone with faults you can live with. If he was only late for you, then I would be concerned, but since he is late with his friends and even professionally, then there really isn’t anything you can do. At a certain point in life, people just aren’t going to change. He hasn’t had to deal with any serious consequences, so he has learned that his behavior is acceptable. In life, we have to pick our battles, you could give him an ultimatum and punish him with consequences, but in all likelihood he would just find another woman who would be willing to accept him as he is. Really that is what it’s about. You need to love him unconditionally, as his closest friends have, and learn to work with him as he is — not as you’d have him be. You can’t change him, but you can change your reaction to his behavior.
His behavior may be a manifestation of his sense of entitlement, selfishness and arrogance, which is a much larger issue, and perhaps that is what is really bothering you about your boyfriend. Perhaps his being late all the time is just an annoying symptom of a much deeper problem. If you can’t tolerate his behavior, you may just have to leave him, but don’t ever think that you can change him. He is who he is.
- Miss A
as someone who will be late to her own funeral, i appreciate miss a’s realistic expectations and lesson to accept someone as they are. we all have faults – this is certainly one of mine. it always has been; always will.
that said – we can all improve if we are held accountable for our actions. i just started a new job and wouldn’t dream of rolling in at 10:30am the way i had grown accustomed at my old job. first day i was there at 9am sharp. it was okay at my old job, but i don’t know if it’s okay at my new job, and i have respect for the new job opportunity and will treat it as such.
so perhaps this person just needs a little nudge and reminder that his girlfriend feels unappreciated or disrespected when he is late. and perhaps the next time he’s 45 minutes late after having this conversation, she can start dinner without him to reinforce the message. he should be considerate of her and make more of an effort. she should continue to be accepting and forgiving, but drawing a line for her expectations of how she should be treated (ie he should at least call if he is going to be late, or if it is a special occasion, she should be able to tell him this and him actually be on time for that occasion).
“In life, we have to pick our battles, you could give him an ultimatum and punish him with consequences, but in all likelihood he would just find another woman who would be willing to accept him as he is.”
I disagree. The implication of this advice is that the letter writer should kowtow to behavior that she finds upsetting, because otherwise her boyfriend will dump her. If her boyfriend would actually dump her over her insisting on being respected, then she’s better off without him. There are plenty of men out there who respect you and your time, sweetie. Living in fear of getting dumped is no way to conduct a healthy, secure, adult relationship.
Every couple has that one fight they will have over and over again. You can’t change him, but if you choose to stay in this relationship, you CAN conduct your life in a way that keeps you from standing at streetcorners, stomping and stewing while you miss half the movie because sweetie just can’t get there on time. If the event starts at 7:00, leave at 6:30 and tell him to meet you there. If dinner is at 8:00, dig in. If he has to eat cold food, that’s not your problem. Maybe some consequences will make a difference, if not, at least YOU’LL be happier.
One final note: I for one would not marry a guy who was repeatedly very late for work – it indicates flakiness and a disregard for his employers. That will spell disaster down the road if he can’t hold down a job and you need to support him.
There is a chance your boyfriend had ADD or ADHD. Often a person will come off as cavalier about being late over and over because they can’t explain their complete lack of time management/awareness to themselves, let alone others. I promise you this guy has suffered consequences from his tardiness. If he is struggling with an ADD brain, he really can’t help it. It has to do with adrenaline levels and a number of other factors. Pick up a copy of Delivered from Distraction and see if the scenarios discussed sound familiar. It’s frustrating to be the one waiting, but it’s equally frustrating to be the one making people wait and not knowing why you’re always that guy.
This guy’s tardiness sounds like a symptom of a serious personality problem. Being late isn’t just a time management issue (if he seemed even slightly repentent, then maybe that’s all it is) but instead this guy is completely inconsiderate of those who have to wait for him (including Despondently Delayed, who you’d think he’d have some consideration for). Chronic lateness and flakiness will only manifest itself in other areas and I suspect it already has.
I’d strongly suggest breaking it off with this fellow–maybe he needs someone who doesn’t mind such inconsideration.
I have never had this problem until recently. When I met this … okay man. I shared with him at the beginning of our acquaintance when I noticed he was always late, that we shouldn’t move forward because this would be a problem for me. He assured me all he needed was a mobile phone and at least if he was late he could call. He would call and still be late. What I started doing was leaving, starting taking numbers of potential suitors, not answering the phone or door. Additionally, I stopped having any sort of intimacy because I’m not attracted to men who are inconsiderate or neglectful. As I sit her now – he is already almost half an hour late. Well, for his birthday which is 5/31/2010 – I’m saying goodbye.
I agree with Miss A that if punctuality is the biggest grievance you have with this guy, consider yourself lucky. When deciding whether or not to remain in a relationship, it’s important to weigh your partner’s good qualities vs. bad qualities…if he doesn’t have enough “good” qualities to outweigh the “bad” ones (e.g. chronic tardiness), perhaps the overall frustration you are feeling with the relationship and with him as a person run far deeper than his inability to arrive on time.
Further, I think that people who automatically write off punctuality-challenged individuals as “inconsiderate” and as having a “serious personality problem” are narrow-mindedly making a one-size-fits-all judgment call when, in reality, the issue is often not so black-and-white. There are often one (or more) of a variety of different factors that are a contributing factor to chronic tardiness.
As someone who is usually running 10-15 minutes late, that is the ONE thing that I would do anything – ANYTHING – to be able to change about myself. It caused me infinite anguish and stresses me out constantly. Ironically, my tardiness seems to stem from a quality that is usually looked upon quite highly – my optimistic outlook. I tend to be late since I’m often overconfident about being able to squeeze “just one more thing” onto my plate before getting out the door. If that’s a “Serious personality problem”, then it’s one that could be worse.
Ok everyone, I guess I will put my two cents in here since I have been known to be somewhat “time challenged” myself over the years. While everyone makes valid points, especially MissA, I want to mention one thing first.
Many years ago, I was meeting my best friend for happy hour across town. I arrived first and didn’t want to walk in by myself with a bar full of people. So I waited in the parking lot for over an hour and was getting rather upset at her tardiness. She finally showed up although she had gotten in an accident that could have been fatal. She was run off the road and her car turned over in a ditch. She was fine AND still showed up!!! (and I waited about 90 minutes…that’s what friends do) After that, I promised myself not to get so upset if someone where to arrive late to a social event!
Now, I realize that is typically quite the exception, and we’re talking about chronic tardiness here. In the matter of “Despondently Delayed” how often could this man be the focus of an event? In the world of social events, 10-15 minutes late typically falls under the fashionably late category. I have also been in situations where I considered it my good fortune when someone was tardy.
Further, the times I have arrived late to a gathering ,it is NOT because I have an over-amped opinion of myself or disregard for others. Quite the opposite, I don’t consider myself that important that their having a wonderful time revolved around me being there or not. Wouldn’t it be great if sometimes the late person could hear “I am so glad you could make it!” since afterall it’s not just one persons’ time that counts.
Is this a great guy you are with? I don’t know …what concerns me the most is his response of “i’ll get there when I get there”, and “what are they going to do? Start without me?” now the response is what I find most disrespectful. Shouldn’t he be displaying a form of apology knowing it’s your pet peeve? And further, if this was NOT a pet peeve of yours, would you think he were a great guy? You did mention you have been happy together for several years. Tardiness really can be worked on and overcome, I know because I have done it.
And like the others said including you, it can be worked around effectively. Perhaps driving in separate cars will help, if other than this, the relationship has “staying power”.
I have noticed that the people in my life who have reacted to my tardiness with the most anger are the types who are narrow minded and find nasty things to say about others whether it’s about being tardy or something else. These types always find “something”. There are people who get an ill conceived sense of elevating themselves by putting the spotlight on other peoples lesser qualities so that by comparison they appear superior. I am not saying that’s the case here but it’s something worth being aware of.
On a final note, I have dated men who I so wish that being tardy was the “biggest fly” in the ointment! So indeed, you are quite lucky if after several years this is his worst quality.