October 23rd, 2009 
Dear Miss A,
I’ve been with Patrick for four years. He was my first love and meant everything to me. We had a great relationship. We met in college and he moved to my hometown afterwards for Medical School. I wanted us to move-in together but, he didn’t. His first year of med school, he was extremely busy and our relationship hit some rough tides. I started to feel that he couldn’t and didn’t want try anymore. I even supported him financially and if I wanted to go out, I paid for everything. He had a horrible temper and was very immature and defensive when we fought. He punched a few holes in the wall and physically grabbed me twice. Whenever I cried, he would yell at me to stop crying. How did our great relationship turned so sour?
I prayed and asked God to show me if there is someone better out there. God did. I soon met this wonderful man named Ryan. He completely swept me off my feet and we have practically everything in common. I then ended things with Patrick. My parents were furious with me when I ended the relationship. They grew close to him and I will be financially stable for the rest of my life for marrying a doctor. However, with Ryan, I feel adored and loved. I never had someone respect and care for my feelings the way Ryan does. He is so great and loving and very mature. Ryan and I have been together for the past year. He says that I’m “the one” and he’s going to protect, love, and provide me. I can truly see myself marrying this man! However, money might be an issue.
However, Patrick has been calling me and said he’s a changed man and he still loves me and believes that we are meant for eachother. Once in a while Patrick and I go out for lunch just to talk as friends. I do really miss him. But, I don’t know if the love is still there with Patrick?
What do I do? Do I end things with Ryan to go back to a possible disaster relationship again with Patrick? However, with Patrick, I will have financial security. To this day, my parents are still upset with me for ending things with him. But, I might not have true happiness if I go back. It’s so hard to say goodbye. Do I have to? I still cry at night wondering how things went wrong with Patrick. I still really miss what we had back in college. But, I know that college relationship is gone. Now, it’s an adult relationship…can Patrick ever handle an adult relationship with me? But, why should I end a great relationship with Ryan? Who do I choose? Who should I end up with?
Miss A, please help,
Little Lady S
Ages: Me: 24 , Patrick: 24 , Ryan: 26
Dear Little Lady S,
First of all, with President Obama’s dreams for our healthcare system, I’m not too sure you’d be financially set for life by being married to a doctor. In many instances, doctors have to charge less per hour than your local plumber. And I don’t see your parents urge you to marry a plumber.
Additionally, just because a man earns a great deal of money, doesn’t mean he’ll be wise in spending or investing it. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve worked for, worked with,dated, or have friends who dated who seem like they have a lot of money, but are nothing but one big bubble of credit. They are constantly stressed about money, but have the Gucci loafers, custom suits, flashy pocket squares, Italian leather furniture, fancy car, and bachelor pad around to make everyone think otherwise. They may draw a big paycheck, but they have bigger bills, too. It’s sad, and I always feel sorry for the new young girls in town blinded by the “fool’s gold”. These are the men looking to marry a woman who comes from money. They will make you think they have money so that they can take yours to pay the bills. It’s sad. Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes, Honey, so don’t marry someone just because you think you’ll be taken care of forever.
Second, it’s awful that your parents are putting so much financial pressure on you. That’s part of what was wrong with society in the past, parents setting expectations as to the race, religion, gender, and whatnot of their child’s future spouse. You love who you love. Generations before us fought hard to be able to marry who they love rather than to have it all arranged and negotiated by their family. Since you said that you supported Patrick financially, it sounds as if you are able to support yourself, so be happy that you live in today’s world, and tell your parents that they should spend more time worrying about their own financial situation, and focus less on yours. Although, if your parents supported you AND Patrick, then that would account for their meddling and disappointment at losing their investment. I’m not sure which is the case here.
It is my experience that once a relationship sours, it is next to impossible to turn it around. Couples with children together, or a financial burden that binds them to each other will stick it out despite the lack of love, but you are young and have no reason to do that. Additionally, you have found Ryan who seems to adore you. You are only 24 years old, so you still have at least another decade before your clock starts ticking and you start feeling your own pressure to get married and start a family. Please don’t feel as if your entire life hinges on these two guys, and choosing one of them. You don’t have to marry either one of them.
Bottomline is that you need to spend time building a career of your own, so that you won’t be dependent on any man, or your parents’ approval for money! That is true freedom and true happiness! Once you have that, you will be free to be with any man you like, regardless of whether he’s a doctor or a plumber or a stay-at-home dad.
- Miss A
A MAN’s PERSPECTIVE
Does your current boyfriend know that you’re courting your ex? “I miss him. Talk to him on the phone. Have lunches If you are honest with your current bf– you’re good. If he doesn’t know–you are deceiving him. That means…you’re lying. Funny–we humans are REALLY good at rationalizing. Sounds very much like you’re having an emotional affair with your ex. What you didn’t mention in your previous email–was your role in your break-up with Patrick. That can often be a tell-tale for a person who always sees them self as a victim while rationalizing their own poor behaviors. You must always look at your own behavior and see what your part is. Otherwise, you’ll repeat he same patterns.
I might suggest moving past selfishness…to unselfishness and living honestly. Would you want your man to have emotional affairs then expect to have solidarity with you? Also–DNA is no small factor. Women seek money/security. Men seek looks/ability to make healthy children. We’re wired that way. But…as we’ve moved out of the cave…we can employ more than instinct…to our decisions. And we men generally grow less attracted to women as they age. Once you hit about 34–we grow increasingly less into you. We don’t mean to. We’re just wired…that way.
As far as parental pressure–are you Asian? If you are…that’s a tough one. If you are a “raised in the burbs white betty boop”–that’s much easier. You’ll just have to learn to set boundaries–and be okay when people push back–which is normal. Also, set personal boundaries for yourself–learn communicate honestly. Knock off the affair stuff. Yo are practicing a reaction to a situation that is not unique. Learn how to deal with it now. And you won’t be a 42- yo divorced mother of three who felt ‘existentially conflicted’ and cheated b/c she didn’t feel ‘spiritually connected’ (or some other rationale) and sought comfort elsewhere. Now, thre kids suffer. And go on to exact the same patterns when they begin to date. So…my dear…break the cycle. MFD and put your whole into it.