First Love Gone Bad
Dear Miss A,
I am on a roller coaster ride with a man and I would deeply appreciate your advice on this relationship (or lack thereof)! I am 23 and he is 27. He became my first love at 18 and eventually broke my heart just 1 year later. I swore never to speak to him again until last Summer, even changed my phone number and found the strength to move on over the course of the next year. He moved to CA, moved on, and ended his 2nd engagement some years later I learned.
After 5 years of not speaking I called him out of the blue last Summer. We were best friends as a couple back then, so it was so easy to reconnect. Of course, an emotional affair developed and 1 year of great sex, conversation, and 3 visits later, he still will not agree to commit. He does everything a good boyfriend will do, except when it comes to love he is afraid to give in because of past hurts. He is also afraid of losing me as his best friend, and of having another failed relationship under his belt. He is afraid of change, he says he loves and has no problem showing it in many meaningful ways. As you can figure, we have openly talked about this and I know the ins and outs. Tonight was the worst debate of them all ~ he told me (after I finally flat out said, I want a commitment from you before my visit next Tues.) that while he loves me and belives there is a future with me, he will not commit and even if he did, he would more than likely end the relationship sooner or later because of his lack of confidence in us, but mainly because he fears things will change and I will become even more neurotic and insecure.
Well besides my young age, I am insecure because of this roller coaster ride! We are amazing together and I feel he is the one, I know I have to work on myself but so does he. I am doing my part diligently. I simply want him to commit to me because I love him and feel there is a future with him. He won’t and I feel as though this roller coaster ride has reached some kind of relationship purgatory. Because this can’t go on forever, it hurts
Thank you Miss A!
– Desperately Undefined
Dear Desperately Undefined,
Honey, your mistake was picking up the phone to call him after 5 years. Now you have basically set yourself back 5 years, as you are back where you were originally. Yes, you need to dump him and move on. Don’t waste anymore time with this guy. He’s making excuses. He likes having you as a friend, and enjoys the great sex during your visits, but he doesn’t love you enough to not see other women. He wants his cake, and wants to eat it, too! Stop giving him that, because you’re getting nothing from this relationship except pain and misery. I know he was your first love, but first loves are first loves for a reason. It means there will be others. He may be your first, but he will never be your BEST love.
There are better men out there who won’t have you living on a rollercoaster. The highs may be wonderful in this type of relationship, but the lows are almost unbearable. I’ve been there. You deserve a more comfortable, secure, and happy relationship. Don’t feel like this is your fault for wanting what every woman wants from a relationship. It’s natural for a woman to want a commitment from a man, that’s how we are made — we want to couple up, plan a future and nest.
As for letting things “unfold naturally,” had you not picked up the phone and called him you would likely have never heard from him. That would have been the natural course. Since you called him, you have found out that this guy is a natural commitmentphobe. You’re still young and will meet great men out there –move on!
Let me know how things go!
– Miss A
too much. Should I wait and let things unfold naturally like he says despite my nagging fear that he probably will never come around, or move on completely (again)? I have put myself through this for the entire past year, when is there or has there been, a good time to get off this rollercoaster?