Relationship Timeline

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Dear Miss A,

First let me say you and your blog are fabulous!

I thought this would be an interesting subject for you to tackle. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month. Things have moved rather quickly. We became official after only knowing each other a few weeks. I’m scared the “L” word is going to come up.

My question is what do you think is the ideal time line for a relationship? I realize everyone is different, but I’m concerned we are too wrapped up in the moment and the spark, and may be failing to build a good foundation. On the opposite end of the spectrum I once dated a guy for over a year and we never used the “L” word – that was certainly dysfunctional. So, I know it’s important for things to progress and not become stagnant.

When do you think it is appropriate to become official, have sex, use the “L” word, move in together and propose? From your experience what is the ideal relationship time line?

Thanks!!

Miss P

Dear Miss P,

You are correct in that every relationship is unique so there is no one set timeline that is “appropriate”. I think it’s good to set boundaries in what you expect, so that you don’t get strung along for a year with someone who is clearly not right for you, such as the guy who you dated for a year and never used the “L word”.

I also don’t think you can go by the number of dates as to when you should become official or have sex, as some guys will give a girl the “full court press” and pack a bunch of dates into a few weeks to make the girl feel like he’s serious, and then once they have sex he loses interest. I think you need to judge by the guy’s actions. He should be calling — not texting, and asking you out on dates consistently including weekend dates for about six weeks before you have sex with him. You need to get to know him as a person in different setting- not just when you all are out drinking. He needs to have introduced you to his friends, co-workers, and not just be keeping you a secret.

 I recommend that you become official before having sex, but I’m old-fashioned like that. As for the L-word, if you are official and the guy hasn’t said he loves you within three or four months of being official, I would advise you to start seeing other people, because it probably is a sign that it won’t happen. I also don’t recommend that you move in together — I think that takes away from marriage, but again that is my opinion. I actually lived with my ex-husband before getting married, so I speak from experience. As for proposals, it really depends on your age and where you are in your life. I think older couples know more of what they are looking for, are financially secure, and have ticking clocks so that tends to speed things up.

I wish you the best, and think it’s great that you are self-aware and realize you might be moving too quickly. I suggest you spend time with your friends, family, and get involved in the community so that your life doesn’t revolve around your new relationship.

Let me know how things go!

- Miss A

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