Aging in a Man’s World
July 17th, 2009Recently, I was out with some female friends who range in age from 25 to 40, and we got onto the subject of dating and how difficult it is for older women to find men their age to date. Across the board, the complaint is that men seem to only want younger women, which means that for aging women it is harder and harder to date which leads to an insane quest to remain unchangingly youthful. This got me thinking about what I know of my gender and for the first time I put into words something I’ve always known about men but never consciously thought of: Women aging isn’t the problem, it’s men not able to cope with aging themselves that is at the root of the issue.
Despite all the advances in sexual equality we have made since the 1960’s, socially we still live in “a man’s world.” Women weren’t even allowed to be serious television journalists until the 70’s, when Barbara Walters broke the glass ceiling and even today most news shows still have a greater proportion of male anchors to female anchors. It is the year 2009 and men still get paid more than women to do the same jobs, men are not expected to give up their careers to raise families, and our media still objectifies women more than men.
While much has changed in the last 40+ years, we still live in a society that defines women and their value based on an archaic male perception of how things should be. Aging is one of the areas in which this is most evident. When an older man dates a younger woman society may disapprove, but ultimately it accepts the situation as a “natural progression”; i.e. older men want younger women and that’s “ok” because that’s just how men are. However, when an older woman dates a younger man society calls her a “cougar” and is very unaccepting of the relationship. Whether we like it or not, there is still a subconscious undercurrent of inequality that exists between society’s perception of male and female roles.
But, this is nothing new. The real question is “Why do older men want younger women?” The obvious answer is that younger women are better looking, and while that may be true in the majority of cases, the core reason has nothing to do with attractiveness and everything to do with age. Men fear the aging process because it is a visual reminder of their own mortality. The age a man feels in his head is often younger than his reflection in the mirror. Men want to be forever young which is why they are prone to having midlife crisises. The sports car, the motorcycle, the youthful clothes, and the young bimbo all provide an escape from their age reality. Having a youthful lifestyle and the ability to attract younger partners means defying the aging process and creates a situation where time stands still. The man, in his head, remains forever young because of his close proximity and attachment to youthful things, especially youthful sexual partners.
For a man to be with a woman his own age, regardless of how youthful or attractive she is, means to accept his OWN getting older. Truly secure men will enjoy the pleasures and company of a younger partner but also have no aversion to dating and being with someone their own age. Most men are highly insecure, and because our world still gives men advantages over women, they feel they have the power of greater options when it comes to dating. The thinking goes that if all the aging men want younger women this means that the older women are left without mates and are therefore “desperate” and should be happy to have the attention of any man. If an older man’s pursuit of a younger mate fails, he always has the women his age and older as a secondary option. And even when a man has to utilize his backup option, he still wants the youngest looking of the women his age. It’s a sick sort of supply and demand situation that partially works, but also runs on delusion.
This is why our male society hates “cougars”, because these women are representative of their like-aged male counterparts. If the older women turn to younger men, this means the older men lose their fallback option, because the older women are no longer harowitz for a selection of mates. If the aging women no longer need the aging men it means that the entire house of cards that is the male denial of aging begins to collapse, because the men stand a greater chance of being alone and without an age defying distraction.
Considering all of this, it makes me wonder about how the rules of dating and age would be if we lived in a woman’s world. With more women getting into positions of power in the media, we are beginning to see older women dating younger men on TV and in the movies, and this phenomenon is slowly gaining acceptance. If it were a “Woman’s World”, would the tables be turned or would a lot of these issues simply not exist? While everyone can be vain and nobody likes getting older, women seem to adjust to the change a lot better than men do. It took 40 years for our society to evolve to the place where gender equality is now. In 40 to 50 more years our media and culture will be at yet another state of evolution, and it will be interesting to see how different the plight of aging women in the dating scene will be.
July 20th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Why do men date younger women? Because they can. If younger women weren’t into it, it wouldn’t happen.
As far as societal norms, (Men should be tall, women should be thin, both should be young – especially women), the norms exist because we buy into them. We do always have the defense of saying that…we can’t help who we are attracted to – attraction isn’t a choice. heh.
Men hate cougars? You sure? I don’t believe that is true…but another societal norm is that women shouldn’t be the pursuer, so if it is true, there could be a tie in.
July 20th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I congratulate you Mike, it is rare to find so much wrong even in a blog. You parrot the current logic from some quarters, but I am guessing since you appear to have done College work in this decade you are in your late 20’s, but no older than 30? As someone in his mid-40’s, married 14 years, let me help with a few points.
1.) “Men can’t cope with aging”. It is a psychological phenomenon that men can look back on a career in their 60’s and be satisfied with life regardless of familial outcome (successful or unsuccessful marriage, kids etc.). Women that raised a family — even successfully, with a long happy marriage — often don’t have that sense of satisfaction. Psychologists really do not understand why this is true. Further, it is axiomatic that a woman who focused on her career to the detriment of children and family is often similarly regretful.
Point being that there is a greater risk to a woman’s sense of self as she ages than there is to a man’s, and that is unfortunate, but since both life’s choices for women seem perilous it is disingenuous to blame male “inability to cope with aging” for a woman’s lack of satisfaction in either life course they pursue. Women are more sensitive, thoughtful people which are just some of the many things that make them so glorious, yet projecting the dissatisfaction of some women in later life on all men is wrong.
2.) “We still live in a ‘man’s world.’” This is the primary refrain of the gender grievance chorus and has been for two generations. Whole College departments have sprung up to study this alleged phenomena, and filled their student’s minds with a burning sense of grievance – and little else of use.
However recent reports show unemployment in the current recession is 83% higher for men than for women. 53% of undergraduate degrees are being earned by women as are 58% of graduate degrees. As the father of a young daughter these educational statistics are hopeful, but they alone undermine academic myths about the systemic mistreatment of women. Admittedly, this varies by geography around the world. In those regions where women really are mistreated — and they are many and vicious — we see the hollow nature of such arguments here in the US.
However I am also concerned when I realize boys suffer higher rates of Developmental disorders, depression, alcoholism, learning disability etc. Frankly, we need both genders pulling together to avoid cultural decay. One gender blaming the other based on inaccurate economic data kills the prospects for mutual success by undermining a woman’s confidence and needlessly antagonizing men.
This is manifested in Japan where there is a phenomena of young Japanese males that live at home, sit to pee, meet their sexual needs from the internet and do not engage in life. The implosion of marriage in Western Europe is similar evidence of a disengagement by men in one of civilizations most important institutions, leaving children fatherless and women desirous of a family barren.
Ironically TIME MAGAZINE published an article last year that showed many female recipients of top tier business school degrees in their early thirties wanted nothing more than to settle down in a marriage and raise children in a traditional family setting. They planned not to work while raising children despite their education and professional aspirations.
Again, this is just one symptom of why women do not earn as much than men on a broad statistical basis. Admittedly those at the top of the economic spectrum are unique, but some percentage of women drop out for a period to raise children — and good for them if that is their choice, the world needs babies and babies need mommies — yet overlooking the impact that has on disparity of incomes is intellectually dishonest.
3.) “Society hates ‘Cougars’”? Even culturally removed as I am (44, married, father, living in the suburbs) the Cougar seems to be celebrated these days. Examples abound, and good for them – the ladies and their men!
If anyone does not like the phenomenon it is younger women since it increases the already significant competition they encounter from other single women, men that are gay, in a relationship, married, emotionally unavailable, not their educational equals, not perceived as having sufficient $ocial status, etc. etc.
Enter the Cougar who shows up and starts dating a man that is likely educated, conversant and fun (the Cougar has high standards). In return she offers him worldliness, experience, resource$ and emotional stability not found in younger women. Sorry Mike, the only people that do not like that scenario are the younger women. The older men don’t care, so don’t chalk any approbation up to the insecurity of men or condemnation of broader society.
4.) “Men want to be forever young” Please Mike, go to any department store and see how much space is devoted to ladies cosmetics. Women are not unique in this regard, and although an increasing number of men try everything from hair transplants to plastic surgery, we’ll have a long way to go in attempting to match a woman’s desire to be “forever young”. And again, good for women!
Just don’t pretend it is something forced on them by the male world. It is a very human desire to feel good about oneself, and appear attractive to one’s mate or to the opposite sex. Just don’t make men out to be the bad guy. If you “hang out with women” you will know they are both far more appreciative of physical beauty in other women, and critical in the lack thereof. They are also far more willing to accept a diversity of what constitutes “good looking” in a man of any age. I’ll never understand their logic, but I don’t want to because women are different from us. I like that, and I like them.
5.) “Most men are highly insecure, and because our world still gives men advantages over women, they feel they have the power of greater options when it comes to dating.”
Good God Mike, get the fruit and the little umbrella out of your Cosmopolitan, put down the copy of COSMO and come out here to the ‘burbs. We’ll shoot some hoops, drink some beer and watch a game on TV. I’ll even feed my daughter dinner while we’re at it. It is ok to be a man, trust me, and the women that like men are looking at your sentence and cringing.
The ones that don’t like men agree with you, but we’re unlikely to change them anyway. The truth will dawn on them as they wonder why their three year old son turns the baking pin roller into a machine gun, and runs over his dolls with his tricycle while making tank noises. They will also wonder why they feel so “unfulfilled” by a husband who wilts under doctrinaire feminism. It annoys this latter group that men are not all insecure, that we don’t appreciate Sylvia Plath and bemoan their oppression. I don’t have the time. You want a fun, satisfying life?
Find a woman that has many friends of both genders, and laughs a lot. Meet her for drinks at a sports bar on Friday night after work, mix her friends and yours, then see if they all hang. If they don’t, or complain about the noise, the smoke, your friends, the unfair rigidity of the patriarchy and its dominance over life choices, then leave and don’t see her again.
If she doesn’t complain and seems genuinely to have a good time, go for a run around Haines Point on Saturday morning. Note, this will involve that nasty male habit of sweating. Thats ok as women are the stronger gender anyway, and they know it, but they like to know you are a man. She may even be faster than you, this is ok. If you, like a lot of younger men don’t think women are stronger, some day you may see your children being born. Then you will never use the formulation of “we are pregnant” or “we are having a baby”. Trust me on this.
If all goes well then take her to the Kennedy Center Saturday night. Dress for the evening like a gentleman wear a suit and tie. Side note, in the words of a great Frenchman, “a man in a suit without a tie looks like an alcoholic”. Dress like a man.
Open doors as if it were natural for you, and you don’t expect a thank you. Speak kindly to the waiter or waitress, and yes, buy dinner but don’t make it a big friggin’ deal like you are a superhero (go someplace you can afford). If she comments, smile and say you just appreciate the opportunity to spend time with her. Mean it, or don’t have another date with her.
If you don’t want another date with her, call her and say so, do it directly, but don’t be mean. You are a man, you are supposed to do ALL of this. Find this woman Mike, instead of the ones that gave you intro sentence #5, and you will be happy.
DC is filled with them. Smart, accomplished, athletic and desirous of finding a man that will treat them like a lady and as a woman. Not a male that acts as another girl friend. They are secretaries, salespeople, doctors, lawyers, military, diplomats etc. DC is arguably the best place in the world to be a man. Among other things they are seeking a man that will listen to but not succumb to every idiotic, though fashionable gender theory. One that will state clearly in a conversational tone why you disagree, then proceed to conduct yourself as a man would without hesitance or apology. Sometimes women are just testing you, Mike.
I am concerned about your world view, so so read Gen Robert E Lee’s Definition of a Gentleman http://xroads.virginia.edu/~CAP/LEE/gentdef.html, or Gen George Washington’s Rules for Civility. inculcate this behavior in your life. The right kind of women will think you are terrific, and they may not even know why.
This attitude explains — only in part — a woman’s desire for an older man. She can feel cared for and does not have the competition for professional or personal dominance she might encounter with a man her own age. That a younger woman is there only for the money is the logic of your men bashing female pals (and their mothers). It is also shockingly condescending towards the intellect and spirit of the “younger” woman. I am not naive and know money often has a lot to do with it, but so much for the sisterhood.
6.) Before I tackle the touchiest subject, “why some men don’t want to date an older woman or a woman near his age”, let’s stipulate that some women don’t want to date an older man. The reasons are varied, but a big one is that women don’t want an older man because they do not want to be a nurse. They may have already done so for a lifetime of children, a former spouse or parents. They do not want to again deal with a breakdown in the physical, mental or sexual acuity they seek in a partner. Is that terrible? No. Most women look at that sentence and think, “yep makes perfect sense to me! I want someone young and vital.” Well, “what’s good for the goose…”
7.) If a man says, “I want someone younger” that is a bad thing? Much like the younger women that bemoan Cougars “stealing their men” through a combination of sexual allure and worldliness some older women view the younger ones negatively due to their ability to “steal their men” through sexual allure and innocence.
These older women believe their life experience should make them more valuable to a man, certainly far more so than a young, inexperienced woman. While true in some cases, too often this becomes a self-indulgent, gender double standard that gets expressed in angry terms. Just as the woman may have cared for a former spouse, parents etc. and may not want the baggage, so too might a man have endured all of the above and want a fresh start.
Interestingly the saying “50 is the new 40″ applies largely to women, and those women described in this cohort have no issue attracting male companionship. They keep themselves up physically and mentally — just as they would expect any man they date — and have life’s experience, but do not inflict it as baggage on a male suitor of any age. It is color, it renders them fascinating and desirable.
Just as some older women do not want to be a “nurse”, so to do some older men not want to relive what may have already been a tough life. The blank slate represented by a younger woman can be very appealing to an older man for this reason, in addition to the obvious physical charms, of which neither gender is immune. And again, claiming only one side in this equation is “wrong” does a disservice to both leaving only the critic feeling empty. It has nothing to do with a global male insecurity, Dr Freud.
In retrospect your article may have been satire worthy of Swift. If so, my hat is off to you and I apologize for my opening line. If not, please get out of the coffee house and in to the gym. With a little adjustment the real men will welcome you, and there would be a lot of great women dying to meet you.
January 27th, 2010 at 2:13 am
Hi Mike,
your article struck a chord with me. I couldn’t agree with you more and as a divorced woman in her forties I have seen many examples of said behavior. Peter, you are needlessly condescending and to call Mike’s manhood into question because he wrote about a valid, and I might add, painful issue for women is hitting below the belt. Maybe you feel threatened because you live in a house full of women and failed to produce a son, I don’t know. Mike is dead-on. I am very beautiful and youthful looking and get hit on by men constantly. I dated a man 5 years older than me to whom I did not reveal my age. He thought I was about 10 years younger than I was. He was in total denial about his own aging and would only date women 15 to 25 years younger than himself. As soon as he found out how old I was, I could tell it was a turn off to him. He even said that me and my sister looked amazingly young for our age, but in the end it was the sheer number that mattered. His insecure ego needed a younger woman to invalidate his fear of aging. By then he was very much in love with me, and could not tear himself away. I truly loved him too but his immaturity was more than I could put up with. He always acted like he was doing me a huge favor by dating me, even though he was at best average looking. So sad. He was truly happy with me, and ruined it for himself. There is only so much ego busting I can take! I like to feel good about myself too…And I have noticed this exact behavior in more than one man. Sorry Peter, as a married male you are not qualified to offer an educated opinion. I am in the trenches here. What Mike says is 100% true. Luckily there are those wonderful, marvelous men out there that are not like that! God bless them. I also date much younger men and they are much more open to seeing women as people, and they make for wonderful friends and lovers. All in all, I feel lucky, and love my life. And here is a funny anecdote: Just divorced I was in Mexico with my friends on a girls trip. In our hotel stayed a cute group of men in their forties. One of them was attractive to me and we ran into them later that night. Upon hearing I was divorced his friend offered me his fake-concerned opinion of how hard it must be for me to find a date as an older woman with kids while my ex presumably was running around with beautiful 20 year olds. I told him that I had no lack of dates and at that time was seeing a cute 26 yr old. The look on his face was incredulous as he replied…really? Then his 40 yr old friend dissed me and my gorgeous girlfriend to go chase after a couple of twenty year olds who totally rebuffed him. Yeah! But wait-it gets better. There is justice after all. When the night drew to a close at classy Squid Row he decided to lower his standards and circle back to us. Just then-and right in front of him- this gorgeous yummy 20 some year old Australian guy asked, no begged me to go on a date with him the next day because “I was so hot” Thank you, God. Aaaaah, what a great night. Oh, and did I mention the 40yr old had hair starting to grow out of his ears? Yuck…Btw they where from L.A…..land of the shallow insecure beings, which explains a lot.
Mike, if you lived near me I would be so all over it. A smart secure man equals SEXY!!!!