Dear Miss A,
It has been over two years since my ex and I have been in a official relationship. We broke up when I left for college but have continued to talk ever since. We got back together while I was in college, but broke up shortly because he felt we were too young to have a serious relationship and he wanted me to experience college.
Being frustrated with him not wanting to be my boyfriend I began to see other people. I began to get close to a few guys, but whenever I did, he came back into my life and I realized how much I still loved him and couldn’t be with anyone else. But he still continued to not want a relationship. We would hangout whenever I came home and would talk every day and continued to be each other’s best friend.
While spending last summer at home, He and I became close again, and when it came time for me to leave for school again, it was the same story and he did not want a relationship. Completely crushed and upset we did not talk for a couple weeks and that’s when I started talking to Josh. Josh and I used to go to church together when we were kids and found each other online. We began talking every day and he filled that void in my life.
Josh was completely up front about not wanting a relationship because I lived so far away. I was fine with that, because I wasn’t in any position to have a relationship. The ex slowly came back into my life and I continued to talk to Josh and see him when I came home. Months went by like this and I also continued to see the ex on occasion and hangout like friends.
Recently the ex expressed that he wanted to be with me again, and thinking that Josh didn’t want a relationship, I began to hang out with the ex again more frequently. Josh began to call me more and our relationship began to become stronger. This scared me because I now had feelings for him AND my ex.
About a month or so ago, I went home for the weekend and it was complete chaos! When I went home and finally met the ex’s parents who were down to visit also. Josh became angry when I hardly saw him and when I told him that my ex wanted to get back with me. Josh knew for the past 8 months that I wanted to be in a relationship with him and he didn’t want that. Now that I told him my ex wants to get back with me he realized how much he cared about me. Also, I realized I didn’t want to lose my relationship with Josh. But after waiting over two years for my ex and I to be official, how could I throw that away?
I am now torn between my ex who has been my best friend for the past three years, and Josh who has been nothing but sweet to me. I have feelings for them both and they both make me happy and they both know about each other and are willing to wait for me to make up my mind. It has been tearing me apart and I am sick of seeing one one day, and the other the next. It isn’t fair to them and I feel like a horrible person, PLEASE HELP!
What is your advice for this situation?
Dear Confused girl,
It seems to me that your ex wants to be with you over the summer when you’re home, but he’s not into you enough to commit to a long-distance relationship. I would hate for you to get back with him, only to find out that when September rolls around that your boyfriend is going to roll on out again. It’s a cycle, but since you’re the one whose emotions are taken on this roller coaster ride, you may not see it.
I think the better choice would be Josh who like you said has been “nothing but sweet” to you. You and your ex have a long tumultuous relationship, and in my experience these relationships remain tumultuous. I’ve been in a very similar situation and the guy didn’t want to commit until another man wanted to commit. The minute you’re over him and are moving on, they come back strong sweet-talking you and begging for you to give them another chance. Honey, if he’s left you once, it will only be easier to leave you the second, third and fourth time. Jump off that roller coaster, Girl! He’s left you several times already — do not give him another chance. This time, YOU should be the one to say “No” for a change. This time, you end the relationship. Be done with him.
I really think you should give Josh a chance over the summer, and I hope you’ll try to put some effort into meeting more guys at your college. I think having a boyfriend who isn’t long-distance and who shares your experiences at school would be a good thing for you.
– Miss A