The 10 Commandments of Poolside Etiquette

Now that we are in midst of the summer season it is only appropriate to address the topic of personal etiquette while at the pool.  Many of us enjoy lying poolside and enjoying the refreshing coolness of the chlorinated water. Unless you own a private pool located in your backyard, going to the pool means co-mingling with other people, most of who are different than you and may not rotate regularly in your social and professional circles.

Like any shared community space it is important to be respectful of one another and try to co-exist in the same sphere peacefully.  While I’m yet to witness major drama at the pool I have noticed that there are a multitude of ways in which community pool goers disrespect and assault each other.  To address the major ways in which this happens I’ve written 10 simple rules about what not to do while at your local pool:

 

1. Thou shall tame thy savage body hair
One of the easiest to fix and most commonly violated rules for poolside etiquette is wild and unsightly hair on inappropriate body parts.  As a species we have evolved away from many of the physical traits of our primate ancestors.  One of the most visible indicators of this is body hair.  The most common (and acceptable) places for hair to grow on the human body are the lower arms, legs, chest, face, and crotch. However some people (mostly men) are unfortunate enough to suffer with hair growing in places it evolutionarily doesn’t belong. These places include the back, shoulders, upper arms, ears, and buttocks.  It never ceases to amaze me how men will shave their faces and necks yet act as if it’s a crime against humanity to do the same to their back and shoulders.  Hair on your back and shoulders is NOT attractive! You wouldn’t like it if your lady looked like a Sasquatch so why do you think that she enjoys seeing you that way?  And for the record the rest of us don’t care to see you wearing a hair shirt either.

The same also applies to your backside.  Nobody wants to see two furry cantaloupes stuffed into a speedo while swimming.  This is especially true for those of you with smooth backs but a forest of backside hair protruding up from the waistband of your swimsuit.  Stop the insanity and GET RID OF IT!!! We live in the era of razors, Nair, laser hair removal, and electrolysis. You have a lot of affordable options and it doesn’t take that long to groom your body once a week, especially if you stay on top of it.

Even if you have hair in the right places, if the hair is super thick and/or longer than an inch you need to trim it. Not only does it make you look like some sort of rabid beast but it plain grosses the rest of us out and ruins our ability to enjoy the beauty of the true natural settings.

Ladies, most of you don’t have this problem, though I have seen a few of you with creepers coming out of the sides of your swimsuits in the front.  Remember to trim and even pluck or shave a little to keep your bikini line free and clear of strays.

Also ladies, be sure to check your under arm and leg stubble before leaving the house. If any of your stubble can be visibly seem from at least 5 feet away you need to spend a quick minute with the razor.  You normally shave your arms and legs, and while it’s annoying to be burdened with shaving again before the pool, consider the visual impact your leaving people with.   If you wouldn’t show up to an event unshaved don’t show up to the pool that way either.

 

2. Thou shall get a pedicure
This one is for both the men and women and along the same lines of the excess body hair.  During the winter our feet are covered up but during the summer they are exposed in sandals and definitely at the pool.  Given this fact it is VERY important to make sure you’ve had a pedicure (either professionally or at home) before venturing out in exposing footwear.  Now when I say pedicure I mean some pumicing with a pumice stone, good moisturizing, and trimming/cleaning one’s toenails. If you want to take the extra step to polish or gloss them that’s your choice. There is nothing nastier then seeing cracked, calloused, raggedy feet chilling out by the pool. It takes 5 minutes to care for your feet everyday (which is the best way to keep them looking nice).  It’s also really gross, not to mention a complete turn off, when those same dry, rough feet go scrapping across your lover’s legs between the sheets.

 

3. Thou Shall Wear Appropriate Swimwear
I’m a man with a thin, average build – not unpleasant to look at but not an Adonis either.  When I shop for clothes I pick pieces that compliment my body shape and hide anything unflattering.  This is harder to do with swimwear, but nonetheless is still an important target to aim for while picking the right ensemble to wear swimming. 

Ladies:
You’ll want to avoid swimwear that has ruffles, pleating, or smocking, especially on the derriere.  These features, while intended to distract or cover up trouble spots, actually draw more attention to them and make you look silly. For those of you without much curvature, or curves in the wrong places, avoid swimsuits that are too small or too tight.  Regardless of body shape, a one-piece is a good way to reduce and hide trouble spots on the torso.

Remember that bikinis are designed for bodies that have a certain amount of curvature, particularly the styles that have little “peep” holes.  If you are flat-chested or overly busty go for a more athletic style bikini top, something with some shape and coverage. For those in between make sure that the cup size is big enough to cover 75 to 80% of each breast and that any “peeps” are just that and not an anatomical exhibition.

Regardless of the style of swimsuit you choose, be sure that the crotch has enough give and padding in it – the last thing you want is poolside camel toe. This is especially of concern for ladies who are hairless below (as you don’t have a bush to pad out the fabric).

Gentlemen:
Most men prefer to go with some style of shorts when swimming.  However not all swim shorts are cut and styled equally, and only the right style of shorts will give you coverage while also helping to slim out your silhouette.

Men should choose shorts based on their body-type and shape, not by what is “in style” or simply “fits”.  For stockier men a more loose-fitting, formless style short will accommodate your curves and bulges without hugging and exacerbating them.  For men with more slender hips and legs choose a style that is a little more fitted, especially in the rear, that has medium-sized leg openings.  Baggy-shapeless shorts on a thinly-built man makes him look bloated in the pelvis and quite ridiculous.  Also the larger the leg opening on a slender frame, the scrawnier your body will look.

For those of you who like to wear speedos or the hot-pant style shorts keep in mind that you don’t have to have a rock hard body to pull them off. However you do have to be more careful in considering your middle and lower assets.  When wearing a small, revealing swimsuit bottom you need to make sure that the lack of fabric and coverage doesn’t exacerbate the wrong portions of your figure.  Your stomach should NOT hang over the edge of the waistband.  A medium amount of outward belly curve is acceptable but if the waistband is cutting into your stomach then it is not a good choice for your body type.  You also need to have some curvature and substance in your upper thighs and buttocks to properly fill a speedo out.  If you have a flat backside or skinny, toneless legs the speedo will make the lack of definition even more pronounced.  Most importantly you need to choose a speedo that has an ample amount of room in the crotch to accommodate your bulge.  While the purpose of a speedo is to show off your pelvis and manhood, the garment should not be so tight or ill-cut that it gives you bulging moose knuckles that look as if they are going to explode out at any moment.

 

4. Thou Shall Use SPF
Taking care of your skin is very important.  While everyone loves to get a tan it is really important to use a sunblock with an SPF of at least 30.  Sun damage happens on a microscopic level and the full effects won’t show up until you are much older.  While tanning slowly over time isn’t as much fun it is the safer way to go. The last thing you want is to be one of those sun worshippers who hits 40 and is wrinkled and crackled. Also keep in mind that your arms and face get a lot of sun exposure when you are walking or driving, so they don’t require as much tanning to turn dark. The idea is to look like Malibu Barbie at age 50, not Donatella Versace on that beach in Venice (shudders). For those of you with Tattoos, you will want to use the highest form of SPF on your body art and whenever possible try to cover them up as long-term sun exposure will cause them to fade

As for those of you wondering how to get a good summer tan safely by using such a high SPF, I recommend the following tanning method: Laying out and tan for about 30 minutes without any sunblock (15 minutes for your front and back each), then apply the sunblock for the remainder of your time at the pool. That 30-minute window of unprotected exposure will give your skin some time to feel the full UV effects of the sun and develop a light base color without being over exposed.  Again, because of the sun exposure your face and arms have already, you may want to put the sunblock on them immediately and allow the un-tanned areas of your body absorb more sun when initially laying out.

Additionally, applying stickers to your body prior to tanning so that you are left with an un-tanned patch of skin in the shape the sticker is NOT cute. It’s trashy and low-rent, and makes you look like a cheap Vegas cocktail waitress.

 

5. Thou Shall Not Disturb the Peace
Now that I’ve covered a lot of the more vanity related rules it’s time to cover some of the directly impacting rules.  Pools are not known for being quite places, especially if there are kids playing, nor should they have to be.  However there is no need to disrupt other people with excessive and irritating noise.

When at the pool please put your cell phone on vibrate or silent, nobody wants to hear it constantly ringing, especially since the sound echoes off of the water.  People at the pool, like in most public places, don’t want to hear your phone or in person conversations. Use a medium to soft tone of voice so as to not disturb others with your boisterous hysterics.

Another noise offender are radios.  You are at the pool not in your home, have some respect and bring headphones with you. Not everyone shares the same listening tastes and there is nothing worse then trying to relax while being assaulted with obnoxious talk radio or music.  Also, remember while wearing your headphones not to have them cranked up so high that everyone around you can hear what you’re listening to through them. That defeats the purpose of them and in the long run will leave you def and annoying.

 

6. Thou Shall Control Thy Kids
Another pet peeve I have is people who use the pool and its staff as a babysitting alternative for their children.  I understand you parents are tired and stressed out and have few escapes from your children but the rest of us are tired and stressed out too and need our relaxation time as well. It is selfish and rude to treat a community space like the pool as your personal daycare. If your child is misbehaving you need to do your job as a parent and take them to task.  While kids are noisy when they play, especially in groups, please at least try to make your children aware of their own noise level and actions while at the pool. If your child does act like a wild monkey you need to get off of your lounge chair and take them aside for a time out or even take them home if necessary.  The lifeguards are there to save people from drowning and regulate dangerous activities, not baby-sit your offspring.

 

7. Thou Shall Not Leer
While being at the pool is relaxing it can also be a self-conscious experience as well.  Maybe you’re feeling bloated, or are concerned your wobbly bits will jiggle too much when you walk or swim.  Setting one’s mind at ease over these concerns is made no easier when you have perverts leering at you.

Yes gentlemen, I’m talking about you!  You all know who you are, parking your broken-down selves in a chair or lounger and then slobbering and gawking at any and all attractive women or men in your line of vision. It is one thing to admire the beauty, and even sneak glances through your sunglasses, but to outright sit and STARE intensely at someone is disturbing and offsetting.  When you add in the audio components of grunts, gasps and “oohs” it ratchets the skieze factor up 100 fold.

You all are adults! Learn to control yourselves and quit acting the fool! If the hotties aren’t going to give you the time of day to begin with, leering and cat calling at them is not going to change anything. Nobody is amused by your juvenile behavior and everyone is disturbed by it, so just quit it!

8. Thou Shall Handle Thy Drink
There is nothing worse at an event than an obnoxious drunk. You know the type; loud, uncoordinated, and self-absorbed. Put such an individual at a pool and you have a scene that will ruin even the best of summer days.

When going to the pool, PLEASE drink responsibly. Having a few beers or mixed drinks is fine so long as you can control your inebriation level. Getting drunk, loud, obstinate, and exhibitionist at the pool is uncomfortable for everyone watching and makes you look like an embarrassing lush. And once you make an ass out of yourself at your local pool while blitzed you will never live it down. Every time people see you they will be thinking or whispering, “Oh no, it’s that crazy drunk again!”  For the sake of our peace of mind and the shreds of your remaining dignity, don’t get wasted when you come or go to the pool.

9. Thou Shall Not Smoke
This is one of those rules that a lot of people argue about. At present, most of our public spaces around the country are smoke free. The laws more or less pertain to smoking in enclosed environments, with outdoor environments being considered acceptable to smoke in.  While I am against smoking in general I will concede that there are certain outdoor places where it is ok to do so.  The pool is NOT one of them.

ANY place where people are smoking should not vent into the places where the non-smokers are.  At the pool this is rather difficult to achieve since it is outdoors and the wind pattern is rather unpredictable.  People who smoke at the pool affect the other people around them because their smoke drifts everywhere swathing everything in stench and carcinogens.  Think of it this way: Your smoke is as offensive and obnoxious as any drunk or blaring loud music. It’s even worse for people like myself who suffer from smoke-induced asthma as the byproduct of YOUR addiction disrupts our ability to breathe and enjoy the space we’re in.

10. Thou Shall Bathe Before Swimming
This seems like a common sense rule, but you’d be amazed at how many people (particularly men) will roll up to the pool without having had a shower within the past 12 hours prior to arrival.  While it may not seem that big of a deal it is. Swimming dirty adds additional bacteria to the pool.  Not to mention the body odor that begins to ripen while you’re out in the sun. Chlorine may kill some germs but it won’t kill the nasty odor wafting off your body and up the rest of our noses.