April 25th, 2009 
Dear Miss A,
I would appreciate an outsider’s point of view and opinion regarding my
situation. I got engaged to my fiance 1.5 years ago, and we have been
together for almost 7.5 years. We are currently living in different cities,
6 hours apart due to work obligations. I question his love for me since he
refuses to move to my city in 8 months once his work contract has finished,
so that we can be together again.
He always states that he has difficulty with change, and does not want to move. He has always stated that he will not move, and wishes to remain in the same city that he was born in, and that once we’re married that I need to move there. I need his support, and asked him to consider moving for a 6 months to 1 year until I finish my work, and then we would love back to “his city” to settle down. He refuses to do this for me, and I feel this is a lack of love and comittment on his
part, not to mention selfish.
The hurtful truth is that he was willing (although very sad) and ready to pack his bags to move to “my city” a year ago, when we thought it would be the only place for him to pursue his career/job. Things worked out for him, so he did nnot have to move from “his city” where he was born and raised.
His mom is 10 mintues away, and he is like a momma’s boy, and it makes me as if I am not a priority or at least 1st priority in his life. Sadly, knowing him as I do, he would consider moving to another city if his mother needed him to do so. But he will not do the same for me. He denies this of course, but I know that he would always put his family first. I have doubts about his ability and willingness to
meet my needs as a husband since he is always so unwilling to do things when
it is not in line with his wants, timelines, etc.
He says he misses me, and tries to fly and see me every week or 2 weeks, but I do not wish to continue our long distance relationship, especially one we are married. It seems that he is “fine” with the living situation, and does not feel the need to move, since he is waiting for me to come back to his city.
Is this a sign of a lack of commitment and love, or just plain selfishness and inflexibility? He is overall supportive and loving, except when it comes to specific things I need or ask of him such as moving for a certain period of time. We argue a lot lately about this, as we have been apart now for 9 months. I have been hanging up the phone on him a lot and recently called him a “momma’ boy” and told him that this was the reason why his ex-fiance probably left him 10 years ago… it was mean of me, as I have been feeling more and more frustrated and fed up with his unwillingness to support me and live with me, by moving but he would do so if needed for his career.
Thank you for your hearing me out, and I would appreciate your
viewpoint on this.
Thank you very much for your time,
Playing Second to Momma
Dear Playing Second to Momma,
Your fiance has been clear that it is a priority for him to live in his hometown, and it’s obvious that his mother and family have a strong hold on him. You have been with this guy for almost 8 years now. Did you really think that you could change all this? Deal with men the way they are – not the way you would like for them to be. These facts have been there from the beginning, and if you can’t accept them, you should have left him years ago.
If you want a guy who will prioritize his relationship with his wife over that of his family, then this guy isn’t for you. You say that he is a great guy otherwise, so I think you need to decide if you can accept him the way he is because you certainly won’t be able to change him. Remember that no man is going to be perfect.
I can understand loving your career, but you will have to make sacrifices somewhere in order to be in a relationship and have a family of your own. He seems to be prioritizing his family and preference for his hometown and you seem to be prioritizing your career. Neither of you is prioritizing your relationship.
If you want to get married to this guy, which I’m not sure that you do, then you will need to find a job in his city, because it’s obvious he’s not going to change his mind. He’s been upfront with you for years. I don’t know all the details, so I’m unclear as to why you can’t find challenging work in his hometown. This would seem to be the best solution, and give everyone what they want.
I wish you the best, but this relationship doesn’t sound very good. Let me know how it goes.
- Miss A
Andrea Rodgers is a Dating & Relationship Expert for HealthCentral’s SexualHealthConnection.com. Email your questions to missa@askmissa.com or use our anonymous form.
