Not Quite Ready For A Baby

Dear Miss A,

What do you think is the ideal time to have kids? I was married last spring to a wonderful man. I have been feeling a little insecure because it seems that many of the women who were married around the same time as me are already having children– they’re ready for the next ‘big thing.’ I don’t think I am ready yet, even though our relationship is great and we are financially stable.

I know there’s not one exact age for everybody, but what do you think is the youngest and oldest you’d ever consider having children? I’d appreciate your views on what makes you ready.

Older Bride

Dear Older Bride,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You are exactly right that “there’s not one exact age” when women should have children. You have to do what feels right to you. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Don’t let your family, friends, or even your husband pressure you into having a child before the time feels right to you.

I’m not sure what makes a woman ready to have a baby. Sometimes it’s financial stability, but as you wrote, that’s not an issue for you and your husband. Other times, it’s emotional stability. Perhaps you are a bit unsure about your relationship. I think many couples struggle with this over the years. It may also be that you have outside goals you still want to achieve — be it a marathon, getting “your nest” ready, or career goals. It may also be a personal issue. Just as it takes time for a girl to grow and feel like an adult woman, I think it takes time for a woman to feel her maternal instinct and feel like being a mother. You can’t go back, so you need to be ready.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a “young mother”. Things didn’t work out that way, though. I certainly could have tried for a child with my ex-husband, and I know my ex-fiance wanted me pregnant by Christmas 2004, as our wedding was to take place in September of that year. The situations didn’t feel right to me. Some would say that having a baby later in life isn’t fair to the child, but I’ve seen many people over the years with older parents who seem very happy.

When you’re younger, you try to “plan your life”, but as you get older you realize your life is in God’s hands and that we are actually pretty powerless. Perhaps I will fall in love and have a child of my own or adopt. Perhaps I won’t, and I will give my love to children in other ways. Currently, I am looking for a Summer Internship for one of my Work to Ride kids. I think those of us without children find our own way to express our maternal instincts.

I wish you the best! Just do what feels right! No need to rush!

- Miss A

Andrea Rodgers is a Dating & Relationship Expert for HealthCentral’s SexualHealthConnection.com. Email your questions to missa@askmissa.com or use our anonymous form.