I am a happy member of AA. I go to meetings almost daily. I have had a crush on one particular female for over a year. We were introduced just a week ago. We spoke for about 30 minutes and exchanged numbers. I called her, and we made plans to meet up. We met for coffee, went to a meeting, then went to dinner with about 10 people from the meeting. It went well. I texted her the next day about the dessert we shared and she responded. We bumped into each other the following day at a meeting. We then went to another meeting right after that, and she drove. I sent her another text the following morning that read as follows: “Hey, kiddo. Thanks again for last night. I enjoyed the meeting and your company. Happy monday. ttyl.”
I am 33 and she is 22. She is very shy, quiet, reserved, private, intelligent and sweet-as-can-be. She does not reveal much. She is painfully beautiful, and I like her very much. She knows that I have been a secret admirer of her’s for some time now. We seem to get along very well. But, 24 hrs. have passed, and she has yet to respond to my last text. What do I make of this? Have I scarred her off or come on too strong? Was I too cheesy? Is my insecure, alcoholic/addicted, neurotic mind just going over board?
Am I Neurotic?
Dear Am I Neurotic,
First of all let me congratulate you on your courage and bravery in seeking help with your alcoholism and being open about it. Seeking recovery and acknowledging that one has problems is very difficult but is the first step in becoming stronger and achieving a better relationship with yourself and ultimately others.
With regard to dating, it’s easy to question where you stand under the average circumstances; the unique nature of your situation presents additional challenges. Perspective is the key. You and this young woman both have a shared problem with dependency which has manifested itself in an addiction. Because this portion of your life is so personal and so painful, it is easy to bond with another kindred spirit. But starting a relationship now under these circumstances would only serve to trade one form of dependence – alcohol – for another – a relationship. The last thing either of you wants or needs is a situation that starts out good, ends badly, and ultimately sets you back. Since the two of you share a few meetings in common, imagine how awkward it would be if things didn’t work out and then the two of you had to see and interact with each other at them. Or worse, had to find other meetings to attend in order to avoid the awkwardness.
Having had friends who have gone through the Twelve Steps I know that one of the things the program encourages is abstinence from romantic and sexual relationships in order to give yourself the space and time to recover without distraction. As much as you like and are attracted to this young lady, I would suggest that you pursue only a platonic friendship with her. When you two are in a better place in your lives, then open yourselves up to the possibility of something more. The most important relationship you can have is with yourself; you can’t wholly care about and for others unless you are giving yourself that same love and attention. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your progress in AA. In doing so you will ultimately come out healthier, stronger, and happier.
I hope that this answers your question and wish you well in your journey. Please let me know how things develop.
– Miss A