Dear Miss A:
I have a friend who is female and single (I’m her guy-buddy) who has a very strong opinion about when to first have sex with a guy. She says that she’s been burned too many times by spending the time to go out with a guy for several dates, only to find out that he isn’t able to satisfy her in bed. So, she has adopted a policy of sleeping with a guy on the second date, so that she doesn’t “waste any time” (in her words) dating a guy who turns out to be sexually incompatible.
I’ve tried to convince her that sleeping with a guy on the second date is NOT a good way for her to find a guy who will love and respect her. She’s not planning to get married anytime soon, but she claims she wants a guy who’s willing to have a long-term, committed relationship with her. How would you explain to her the problem with her approach?
A Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thank you so much for using our new anonymous form and writing in with this question. I have heard this same thing from female friends over the years, and it’s ridiculous. These type of women seem to have this notion that they are such the sex goddess that they can’t waste their precious time with mediocre sex, because their sexual taste is just so evolved. Please! I have two points to make here. First, yes, you can have great, crazy, “I’ll never see you again” sex with a complete random, but that doesn’t mean that if you stick with this person that it’s always going to be awesome high-charged sex. Most likely the fact that you would never see them again made it what it was. Second, when you are actually seeing or dating a person, the first time you have sex can be awkward. In my experience, sex gets better over time once you get to know what the other person likes, and once you get more comfortable in the relationship.
Bottom line, I think your friend is very misguided. She is probably driving away a lot of guys who lost respect for her, or feel awkward getting so physical so soon. She probably claims to not want to “get married anytime soon” because deep down she knows that it’s not really an option. The only men that she will get to commit to her for any length of time will be guys who enjoyed the sex, and don’t do real well with the ladies. They will hang on to her for steady sex, until a woman they can respect comes along and shows interest in them.
I know you’re trying to be a good friend, but you can’t live someone else’s life for them. Sounds like you’ve given her the “guys point of view” several times. She will have to come to the realization that this isn’t a good approach on her own. It must be tough seeing her make these mistakes. It’s actually really pathetic, and I don’t even know her.
Let me know how things develop!
– Miss A