Dear Miss A,
People fall in love and things tend to get complicated. In my situation,
probably it had gotten a lot more complicated than it should have. I met my
ex-boyfriend over two years ago and I was dealing with several internal
issues (sexual abuse, trusting issues, and family issues) that I should
probably have taken into consideration. I was so used to men coming into my life and then either me dumping them because in the end they wanted something more that I don’t want to give, or that dumping me because of the way I react towards things. Unlike these men, my ex wanted to save me from myself for over two years. After dating for six months, I slowly realized how much he meant to me and that I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. I realized that I needed to change for the better. Sadly, helping me for this long ended up being more of a burden to him. He became apathetic and rude to me; threatening to break up with me and falsely accusing me of things I did not even do. Eventually, we broke up the first time.
I felt guilty. I knew that it was my doing that led him to this break up. So I accepted it, and basically moved on from there. However during the winter break, he came asking me to hangout with him and ended up asking me back. I accepted him back and we’re doing great until my depression set in this semester. I had an extremely hard time adjusting to the new school that I transferred to and it created issues that I couldn’t bear, making me irritated, clingy, and emotionally disorientated. Sadly, he has clinical depression, too. Last semester, he had to withdraw from classes because he just couldn’t handle it anymore. After spending a week together being depressed and all, we were distant and had fights on and off. It became painful, because we can’t help each other out when we can’t ourselves.
I thought it was just a phase because I started to feel better before Valentine’s day. We had an awesome Valentine’s day that finally lifted up my spirits and I thought it would be a new beginning. However, when he dropped me off for school…that same night…he ranted out how the fighting two weeks ago reminded him of how we used to be 2 years ago. He can’t handle the pain and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. So I decided to break up with him because he was in a lot of pain and I was too. A day later, he kept texting me asking me back…and during that time I was too tired and too much in pain to accept him back. It had only been a day, so I decline the offer and requested to just be good friends. Since then, he barely calls me or keeps in touch with me unless I am the one who talks to him first.
Last night, I decided to give him a call and when we were lost within the conversation…I started to fall in love with him again…and I slipped up and asked him back. He said he still has feelings for me and that he cares about me but he doesn’t think he’s ready to try “us” again so soon. He said that he’ll see when times goes by, so now I don’t know what to do. Should I not talk to him for a while? Should I just ignore this situation? What are your suggestions about this situation? Please, help a vulnerable, confused girl out here…
– Vulnerable and Confused
Dear Vulnerable and Confused,
Thank you for being so honest about the issues you’re dealing with from your past. As much as everyone would like to avoid getting into a relationship with someone carrying “emotional baggage”, it’s inevitable. I know you’re hurting inside. You probably feel really empty and frightened to be without this guy you love. Please know that it is normal to grieve the loss of this relationship, and you lose a great deal like I mentioned in a previous post. I know it’s hard, but I really suggest you work on you, before you try and connect with this or any other guy romantically.
I wrote a post a while back about steps you will need to take before you are ready to get back into a relationship. You may want to read these, but before you do anything I really advise you to get some good counseling for your depression and related “sexual abuse, trusting issues, and family issues”. Take good care of yourself right now. You’ve been through a lot in your relatively short life.
Forget guys for a while, and just be you, and do things you enjoy. Think about hobbies and things you enjoyed when you were younger and start them back up. Watch how much you drink, because alcohol is a depressant and it will only intensify your sadness. Exercise and eating right will also make you feel better. Not only will your body get stronger, but I believe it makes you stronger mentally and emotionally when you get fit. I know you have some family issues, but try to rebuild your relationships with the family members who treat you well and love you. I’m sure you also have good girlfriends with whom you can reconnect. Also, consider joining some clubs, or volunteering to meet some new people. I don’t know if you ever had faith in God, but if so, it might make you feel better to join a church.
I hope this helps, Sweetie. Let me know how it’s going.
– Miss A