Disappointed in the Big Apple

Dear Miss A,

I am a 35-year-old male living and working in Manhattan, NY. After meeting some truly exceptional women in the past on a popular dating website, I decided recently to give it another try. Not long ago, I met a gorgeous, intelligent woman who represented herself as 32 years of age on her profile. She’s a successful business woman managing an international modeling agency, and she’s a former model herself.

After a few wonderful dates with her, several very expensive dinner tabs, an expensive gift, and a planned forthcoming trip, she confesses to me last night that her real age in 38. Naturally, now that I am emotionally invested in her, I was upset and did not know what to say. She asked if I was upset, and I said no. I went along with her justification that she looks 10 year younger, which she does. But the truth is I don’t want to date a woman capable of lying about such things, and I know that pregnancies for women over the age of 35 are considered “high risk,” and the risk of birth defects is higher than they are for women under age 35. She has texted and emailed me continually since last night, to which I have yet to respond….

I feel that the misrepresentation is particularly egregious, because, on her online dating profile, she complained that men need to make sure they post recent, accurate photographs of themselves. Apparently, she expects a degree of honesty that she is unwilling to give herself…. I’ve made sure that my online profile is very accurate. Is it too much to expect the same from others? She said many of her friends lie about their age, and it is not a big deal because she lives a healthy lifestyle and looks much younger. Do you think it is no “big deal” and should I just lighten up? How do you think I should approach matters with her now?

Sincerely,
Disappointed in the Big Apple

Dear “Disappointed in the Big Apple”,

Thank you for writing to me. I’m not a big fan of internet dating. Had you met this woman in a more natural way, you would have thought that she looked amazing, and it would have been somewhat awkward to ask her age. You would have found out her age through the process of dating, and would have been able to decide whether or not her age was a problem for you.

I find it amusing that you dismiss women over age 35 because “pregnancies for women over the age of 35 are considered ‘high risk’”, yet think that dating a 32 year old is somehow extremely different. Assuming you date for a year, plan a wedding, and then start having children, it’s safe to say that even a 32 year old would be likely to bear your first child at when she is 35 years of age. If not your first child, then certainly your 2nd or 3rd.  Most healthy women from age 35 into their 40s have healthy pregnancies. You should know that with all the medical advances, that if a problem were to arise, the problem can be successfully treated. 

You were very into this woman, so I don’t think her age should be an issue. Are you looking for the perfect woman to bear your children, or are you looking for someone you love and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life? I think it should be the latter. Women shouldn’t be viewed simply as vessel by which you create heirs, just as men shouldn’t be viewed as a sperm donor. You may not be aware, but disease-causing genetic mutations in sperm increase with men’s age, and can lead to bipolar disorders and other problems. Do you think it makes sense for a woman to select a husband based on sperm count?  My belief is that you find a person who shares your values, shares some of your interest, makes you laugh, makes you think, lets you be yourself, and someone with whom you have trust, lust and respect. Once you’ve found this person, which isn’t easy by the way, bringing a child into the world together is an added bonus. But I don’t think you should put the cart before the horse, or the baby carriage before wife!

I can understand your being upset that she lied to you. Once trust is lost, it’s almost impossible to regain.  I advised a short guy a few weeks ago that he should be honest about his height on an internet dating site. Your email clearly demonstrates that honesty is the best policy. It puts it all out there, so that those who would have issues with height are weeded out. I really think this woman you’ve been seeing should have put her true age. You may never have asked her out, though. So you need to think about her as a person, and decide if your relationship is worth moving past the age issue. If not, I’m sure you’ll be able to find plenty of women with younger eggs in the Big Apple.

I wish you the best, and hope that this helps! Keep us posted on how things turn out with her.

- Miss A